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Development of Relationships
When you choose to meet someone you take the first step in developing a relationship... offering an "invitation." This is the step where you say 'Hi,' sit down next to someone, or smile at them to see what response you will get. The "response" is the second step. What will the person do in return... smile back? say "hi?" ignore you?
If the response is a negative one you can assume that the person is not interested in you at this time OR that they did not receive your invitation. If you really think you might like to know them, you should offer another invitation to make sure the person knows you mean to make contact with them.
When the response is positive you begin to get to know each other. This is the third step in the process of developing relationships. It is called "caring." As you spend time together you talk about yourselves and things that interest you. You get to know more about each other. During this time you might find that you have lots of things in common which cause you to want to spend more time together. On the other hand, you might find that the person is not someone you find interesting. If this is the case, you may not develop the relationship any further. A person who is a social contact, but isn't someone with whom you spend a lot of time (at least not yet), is called an acquaintance.
If the friendship is developing as you get to know each other more you begin to take the next step..."trust building." Trust is a very important part of a good relationship. Without it the relationship is difficult and can be hurtful. A big mistake that people often make is to put too much trust into a relationship too soon. The trust is then broken and the relationship is hurt.
Trust must build gradually. When you are getting to know someone you might arrange to meet for lunch at a certain time. If the person shows up as planned you gain a little trust in them. You might then arrange to ride together somewhere. If that works out and you get there on time you have a little more trust. Maybe you'd loan them a dollar which they pay back promptly to build a little more trust. You might then share something sort of private about yourself... which they keep a secret... building up more trust. Each experience you have that works out gives you confidence to share something else. Each time you can share something a little more important. As soon as one of these things goes badly you have broken the trust and must move back to a lower level to build it up again.
Trust is sort of like a bunch of little bricks that go into a pile. As long as each brick is solid, not broken, it will be a good support for those that come on top. When there is enough trust built up (enough solid bricks on the pile) it will be able to support a large brick.... a large trust. When this happens the relationship has moved to a new level... friends.
When we have a friend we want to spend lots of time with them because we enjoy being together. "Enjoyment" is the next step in the development of relationships. Spending more time together provides the opportunity to know each other even better, to build more trust with each other and to become closer.
This leads to the final stage in relationship building, "spontaneity." To be spontaneous means that you can do things naturally, without a lot of preparation. Spontaneity in a relationship indicates that the people are comfortable enough with each other that they can be their real, true selves with each other. We talked in Lesson #2 about Self Concept and the differences in Public, Ideal and Private Self Concept. In real friendship a person can comfortably show their private self. The friend will accept them as they are, appreciating their unique personality. This friend is probably described as a "best friend."