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Constructive Conflict Resolution: The Steps
When you have all of these things in place you are ready to begin the process of Constructive Conflict Resolution to solve problems without losers. The steps are:
- Recognize the problem:
State what it is that you need to resolve. This focuses the attention on the problem, not the people, making a solution easier.
'Both of us wanting to borrow the car at the same time is a problem.'
- Own the problem:
Identify your part in the problem. The other person will probably find their part in it also. This ownership will result in both persons being more willing to solve the problem.
'I helped make this a problem because I didn't ask anyone else if they would need the car before I promised my friends I would drive to the game on Friday.'
- Identify the issues that need to be addressed:
Limit your discussion to the issues related to this problem only. Don't let all of those other things get mixed into it, they just confuse things.
'The problem seems to be that we both need to be in different places and we both promised to drive and take our friends.'
- Gather information:
Each person explains, with no interruptions, what they know and how they see things. This is a good time to use some empathy and impulse control to allow the person to say all that they want while you are an active listener.
' I told my friends that I could drive because no one else has a car and everyone's parents are out of town. We have been looking forward to this game for 3 weeks.....etc.'
- Negotiate a solution:
Brainstorm the possible solutions. Use the ideas in negotiation to come to a compromise that both of you can accept. Remember that compromise indicates that you may each give a little to find a solution.... no winners or losers!
'Maybe we could all ride together this once. Neither of us would be thrilled with the idea but at least we can all go to the game.'
Negotiation means to compromise to come to an agreement that both people can accept. To work at a compromise you must identify just how important the issue is to you. You can compare this to how important it is to the other person. This will help you to find a comfortable solution. If you don't care that much, you might be willing to give a little more. If you care a great deal the other person might bend a little more.
It takes several things we have discussed to be successful at negotiation, including:
- Empathy to understand the other person better and know their level of interest.
- Respect will make you both more willing to consider things from the other's view
- Open mind allows you to consider new ideas... you might actually like them.
- Tolerance to accept differences in others, maybe agreeing to disagree.
There are many ways to avoid conflict in our lives and others to solve them. They are all important tools in making our relationships better, reducing our stress and living a more pleasant life.