I-Statements

Conflict can result from the response to things we say to each other. It isn't so much WHAT we say as it is HOW we say it. I would be pretty offended if my friend said 'You idiot... You made me flunk my math test because you took my book home last night without asking me.' Even if it was true that I took the book without asking, I would probably respond in a not-so-pleasant way. However, if my friend had said 'I didn't have my math book last night so I couldn't study for the test today which I just flunked. I'm pretty upset.' I would probably feel really bad and immediately apologize for what I had done. it's the same situation in both cases, just stated differently. But the response is very different. This is an example of how an I-Statement can help to avoid conflict.

I-Statements are really quite simple. You say what you need to say BUT you frame it so the focus is on you and not the other person. You don't accuse people of things. You simply state the situation and let them respond. This way you can get to the bottom of problems with the focus on the problem, not the people.

There are three parts to an I-Statement. Each part is very important for a complete statement and a complete statement is needed if it's going to work. The three parts include:

1. Situation: state what the situation is... simply... in terms of yourself:

'I didn't have my math book last night.'

This makes the situation clear, as you see it.

2. Consequence: state the result of the situation... in terms of yourself.

'I couldn't study for my math test, which I flunked.'

This explains the reason the situation has become a problem.

3. Feelings: state how you feel about this situation.

'I'm pretty upset.'

This explains your emotion to the result so others can have empathy.

The response to an I-Statement is usually pretty positive. It allows people to focus on the issue since there was no unpleasant reaction. Avoiding conflict is often possible when I-Statements are used.

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